SOS: I found myself in the swamp again

Constant reminder there’s no editing, this is a free flow writing blog.

Playlist: See the light - Evermore. Everybody - Logic. Can’t Keep Checking my phone - Unknown Mortal Orchestra. Saturn Returning - Angie McMahon. Healed - George Alice. Altar - Baby Cool.

Dec 10th 2023:

This feeling might be the worst one. Heartbreak. A feeling of total abandon, rejection, lack of love. Trusting someone your intuition told you, you shouldn’t have. Or maybe, having the rug pulled out from under you on the people you should traditionally be able to trust – in all your forms. Wanting something to work so badly, but it just can’t. Like Australia’s First Lady, Missy Higgins said, “a triangle trying to squeeze through a circle”.

We all just want love at the end of the day. That’s the resounding factor in what most of us do. Like many, I did too much for too long looking for this lack of love in others who couldn’t return it, and then rejecting it in those willing to share their heart fully. A deeper issue I know could only be explored with reflection, contemplation, isolation - and a really good therapist.

Recently, I found myself on the other end of this aforementioned love-to-be-lost predicament again. In the aftermath, I was on the phone to a friend discussing how beautiful but hard my day was. All I had to do was sit with the hard emotions, and process this outdated mentality finally of distraction, and learn how to hold myself instead. Rather than booking the first flight out of the city, or jumping into someone else’s bed.

Easier said then done it turns out my friends.

“It’s so hard, I want to jump out of my SKIN! I just wanted to text my ex all day – or jump on a flight, dive into a work piece, or study, or anything just anything!! But of course I was in the middle of no where with no laptop”, to which she replied, “Well, like they say, sometimes the hardest person to love can be ourselves”.

Damn – Found a little Sherlock Holmes in my bestie over here!!!! She’s good - I’ll give her that. And she caught me red-handed. She didn’t enable me, she gave me a teaspoon of bitter, but necessary, medicine.

I’ve read it in a million self-help books, written it to myself in a 1000 poems or journal entries, intellectualised it over and over. But man, friends (that are EMOTIONALLY SWITCHED ON) really tell you what you need to hear, when you need to hear it most. It’s this scarily common trait, particularly with women however it applies to all, where we have so much love to give – yet we keep pouring it into others or other projects before ourselves. It’s nothing to feel shame for, it’s merely our conditioning, however, it’s important to recognise and work through.

I’ve learned through a lot of falling down and getting back up again moments, that we need to learn the balance between pouring it back into ourselves before we can start tackling these things/people with pure intentions and a full heart. Opposedly, I totally believe we can heal at the same time as being in a relationship, however, it can be more difficult if you’re with someone that tends to take more than they give. And, there’s no shame in having love to give, and wanting to express it and give it. Just figuring out the right people to do that with is critical. Especially when we’re out there in the swamp of emotions and hard self-work ourselves. We want someone who can catch us when we fall, as much as we can for them.

Sometimes when we’re out there in the swamp, we start wanting to reach out to some of the memories it brings up. We’re so far from home, we just want familiarity. Whether that’s in the form of reestablishing connection with the emotionally unpredictable person, or the person that drains and never gives, or the person that may hold space for you when you’re happy but becomes distant/cold/maybe even judgemental for anything else.

Alas, as sweet as that immediate hit of communication might be, you won’t find what you’re looking for in these people. Akin to a dairy intolerant person having ice cream.

If you’re really feeling the struggle, which trust me, I know ALL TOO WELL (@Taylor Swift PLEASE don’t come for me), call the person (a friend, or maybe if your friends don’t give great advice, it’s your higher self) that will throw out a rope to you in the swamp. They see you, and they can see when you went a little too far and now you’re boots are stuck and it’s getting dark and it’s time to get out of the swamp and into some warm pajamas. I promise, they’ll still love and validate you, even with that swampy smell - and I can’t promise the person who made you feel insecure about where you stood with them could have ever done this. While it’s important to fix the slightly concerning irrigation of our own swamps so we can swim in it a little more easily, we don’t need to go without food and company and love to do this. Self-work spirals are seriously real - speaking from experience. Slowing down and doing just a little work in the swamp day by day is changing not just our own world, but the world around us more than we will ever realise.

So, the lesson here is, don’t ignore it, and call the friend you usually wouldn’t. Even when you may naturally feel like you have to bottle it up, that your emotions are ‘too much’, it’s likely this is a trauma response to work through in therapy and not ignore. And it’s VERY common.

Further, sometimes we can’t call on friends for everything, so if you aren’t already, therapy is really helpful if you’re having troubles processing some of the tougher things you’ve experienced in life. #letsnotprojectin2024

We live in a dysfunctional world, there is no shame in acknowledging our own experience with it. In fact, there is pride and applause for tackling shadows, rather than ignoring (and in turn, probably projecting). And once we do this, so many beautiful pure doors open wide. Like giving that abundance of love to yourself, friends, and people in the world that really really need it - and there are a LOT of people who really need love and care who will appreciate it more than the person who exploits it and texts you one day, and ghosts you for three - leaving you emotionally insecure. No one ever deserved inconsistent love. So, pretending we’re better than hurting and healing when we realise we’ve been victim to it helps nobody.

All of it (healing, growth) takes a village, and a lifetime, and consistency, and so much kindness with ourselves when it’s all we’ve ever known. So good luck, I love you, you are beautiful <3

Oh and listen to the song, I see the light surrounding you by evermore - a serious BANGER to go with reminding yourself of your light in a mantra/pop culture nostalgically friendly way.

Mini slam poem inspired by this write up:

Give love to yourself

Your goals and your dreams

Before you help someone else

Achieve their dream scene

Love yourself through self care

Not just the face masks or fashion flair

Take time, slow down - be present with your heart and mind

They are rare

Real love comes from love within

Loving yourself, doesn’t mean not loving anyone else

The journey of self love can be confusing in this

Like a lifeboat

The oars are your network

The destination is who you are innately

Back and forth the motion goes, some rough waters to forgo

But if they still bring you to where you want to go

hold them tightly, treat them with care

And help them where they seek to go, then all is fair