Trusting the Big Man Upstairs (intuition)
I took the dive. I took the dive of moving in with someone that I chose - not a pre-established share house with a spare room, trusted friends/family/a partner, or living solo. And for some reason it was the scariest one of all. Apologies in advance to my future roomie Isabela if you’re reading this – as they say, it’s not you, it’s literally me.
Completely trusting my own intuition has always been this way – and now that I’m more aware of that natural apprehension, it is something I am actively trying to challenge each day. Without looking for the tick of approval from someone else that following my intuition is a good idea, irrespective of how the cons and pros list may look jotted down on paper (maybe a little bit respected).
As always, I’m far from being alone in this venture. When we grow up in environments/ a society that tells us our intuition is wrong, or that someone always knows better than ourselves – on topics as personal to our own being (emotions, life choices, fashion, lifestyle, career) because of an illusioned position of power (from famous people to family), naturally we start to question that inherent gut instinct that says – yep this is an amazing idea, as we get older. Instead, we start asking around, essentially knocking on the door of anyone that’s willing to open up their home of ideas, which we can either close the door on if it doesn’t align, walk next door to find someone that validates the answer of what we already knew instead, or enter the home of an opposing opinion and completely disregard ours - because we doubt ourselves. Someone’s always got to know better than us.
Essentially when we leave our own home (of our mind), to seek security, validation, and safety in someone else’s – it starts to emanate the whole red pill or blue pill phenomenon. When really, we can operate fine without the meds – if we can reconnect with our intuition. (this isn’t a PSA/subliminal message to get off physical medication - that sh*#@ can be LIFE saving)
Tis’ a complex paradigm. BUT WE CHARGE ON WITH the PHILOSOPHY AND BIG BRAIN THOUGHTS!!!
Guys, trust me, I’m all about having a close-knit circle of individuals as well as professionals that are trained to have unbiased and wordly opinions around you - whose opinions you highly value/can challenge you to see the world in a different way. And if it comes to more superficial decisions one knows less about, like buying a home/investing/travel to an unknown location, obvs intuition may need guidance from trained professionals/other sources here too. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, for instance, artistic pursuits or who you’re choosing to live with - only you know who and what you are looking for/trying to express.
The same concept applies to romantic partners, friends, and really any individual you wish to bring into the world of ‘potential close-knit circle’ etc. In the past I used to prioritise roomie decisions largely through a superficial lens, based on the other roommates’ hobbies etc. if they were working in cool, creative careers, or service oriented/academic careers – essentially, judging based on theoretical information. And what I’ve realized is that that’s hella judgemental (something I’m checking myself on constantly – read more here) and rarely works out in the way you idealise.
Unfortunately, once I recognized the demeaning effect of this, I saw this mindset as widespread, to the point I actually took out my past career trajectory from my bio because people were more interested in that versus whether I clean up after I make 11pm Saturday night ramen. Where career and hobbies aren’t necessarily the worst criteria checks to be looking for, the end of 2023/beginning of 2024 taught me time and time again that career/how someone physically presents themselves in the world means very little as opposed to how they VIEW the world/people.
Sure, I may love that someone values exercise, cooking, important social topics, fashion and music – like me!! But if they are out there judging people that like to get dressed up to go to the movies, or people that are “too nice” (people will find ANYTHING smh) – it starts to reflect Regina George too much for my liking. I wanted to live with someone that cared about their creative expression as much as they did the wellbeing of others. Without shaming it as being a martyr or a saint.
So, fast forward to present day (a few months ago), I realised my intuition was painted in various shades of other’s realities for a while, like a foggy front windscreen in a car, driving in the middle of a storm. In order to see the road in front of me that would help me navigate back to my own journey, I had to turn the windscreen wipers on full blast and focus on the road – sans radio (external voices).
Skipping all the metaphors - I had to get in touch with my heart and realllllllly etch out my core values and needs all over again. My family, my friends, my therapist couldn’t help me on this one. But a very finely articulated list of core values found on google would be a great start.
Once I (re)figured out my priorities, it’s like the rain immediately subsided and the birds start chirping (admittedly a couple fell to the ground from the branches post storm) , and the windows were down again, and the winds flowing through my hair and there I was flying on open roads.
Of course, the journey is not always that simple, a roundabout pops up or an attractive turn off appears, and you start to question yourself all over again. And questioning ourselves is a phenomenal human experience (in doses). It makes us check in with the man upstairs (intuition) again.
We are ever evolving right? So, our values may in fact be different to what they were a year ago. And it all takes practice when you previously needed a nav man for a journey you already knew (validation on everything).
I still often find myself having to check the map when storm clouds appear, but the map is mine (my long-term core values/needs/intuition). The difference now is, I don’t find myself in the same overwhelm I used to -because I know I have tools – my own sexy shiny map (mind). And I trust this map, because it’s inherently and intrinsically mine. And I hope you learn to trust your map more too, in the moment.
If you don’t know your ups from downs, your lefts from right – without someone else guiding you – that is LITERALLY the human journey to reconnecting with intuition!! Your map is there, it’s just probably hidden in the basement of your mind, and it’s a little dusty (mine was COBWEB RIDDEN at time) – it just needs a good clean. So ask yourself today, what are my values, long term goals, needs – and WHY are these things important to me. From there, decision making and life choice moments become, dare I say it, empowering?!
Essentially, I know this roommate situation is going to be great, powerful and all over growth inspiring. I’m privileged that I got to make a choice in the matter, and I’m so grateful for actually utilizing that. If you’re going through a similar time of figuring out your close-knit circle (not just in a privileged ass housing decision like myself), or any heart matter, my suggestion (that really is a suggestion for myself, as this whole article and writing really is) is: ask yourself what do you really want? From the bottom of your heart. Don’t surround yourself with who/what you want to be, be that person for yourself.